No, this is the passage to read,
to have preached, to commit to memory and to apply in our daily lives, if you
are at all serious about marriage. Whether it is because you are married, or
that you are thinking about getting married, or even if you have chosen not to
get married - yes, the bible is speaking to you also. Because Paul begins by
speaking not just to the married couple, but to the entire church.
Submit to
one another out of reverence to Christ.
Ephesians
5:21
The theme is submission. That is
the heading for this entire section of Paul’s letter to Christians in Ephesus:
Submit to one another. What follows are three examples of submission - the wife
to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-33), children to their parents (Ephesians 6:1-4)
and slaves to their masters (Ephesians 6:5-9); three relationships
characterised by submission, three relationships expressing submission to Jesus
Christ as Lord. “Out of reverence to Christ,” Paul writes.
That is hard. If you are the wife, the child or the slave,
you might say to me, “That is impossibly hard!” More likely, you might say to
me, “That is unfair.” I want to convince you that instead of being unfair,
burdensome or old-fashioned, what we have here is real, helpful and
demonstrable love. What I mean is this: Paul doesn’t just leave things at verse
21. Otherwise, I wonder if we might invest all kinds of meaning into that
command to “Submit to one another,” from either being touchy-feely and
superficial in our submission (like the way Chinese people fuss over the bill at
the end of a meal in a restaurant), to being overbearing and abusive in our
relationships by reminding others to be submissive (like telling off the
teenagers for not helping to serve tea after church).
What Paul does is illustrate for us what it means to submit
to one another in Jesus, as if to say, “This is what it looks like.”
Immediately, Paul turns and addresses the women, saying, “Wives...”
Submissive wives
Wives, submit to your husbands
as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head
of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour.
Ephesians 5:22
Paul speaks directly to the
wives; the married women in the church. “Ladies,” he says, “I want you to know
that you are not following some sort of tradition, some old-fashioned ideas
cooked up by men to oppress women in the workplace and in the bedroom. You are
following Jesus.” Meaning, Paul isn’t simply giving good advice. He is helping
married women to work out what it means to be a Christian believer in their
marriage. As far as we can tell, Paul himself was single and unmarried. So, he
isn’t saying, “Look at how successful my marriage is. Why, yours can be, too!”
What he is saying is, “This is God’s word to you as married women who follow
Jesus Christ as Lord: Submit to your husbands.”
Now, submission does not mean
servitude. Submission does not mean you allow yourself to be abused physically
and emotionally by your husband. Submission does not mean you participate in
sinful acts with your husband. But submission does mean that you recognise your
husband as the head of the household. He has authority and responsibility over
you and your family, just as Jesus has authority and responsibility over the
church. It is recognising an order in creation and salvation.
For the
husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body,
of which he is the Saviour.
Ephesians
5:23
Some would argue that this submission goes both ways. After
all, verse 21 calls on all of us to “Submit to one another,” advocating a kind
of mutual submission. Therefore, the husband, too, ought to submit to his wife.
I must admit how attractive this idea of mutual submission is, as elsewhere,
Paul does tell us to humble ourselves before one another (Philippians 2:3).
Having said that, to conclude that submission is generically the same in every
direction (without any distinction between husband and wife) would be to
misunderstand the nature of the word “submission” and to misinterpret the
phrase, “one another”.
Firstly, submission (Greek: hypotasso) means putting
yourself under another person’s authority, or as Paul puts it, another person’s
headship. Hence the headship of Christ over his church becomes the basis
of the headship of the husband over his wife. This headship is embedded in
creation, going back to the opening chapters of Genesis, where God gave
authority to the man and woman to “subdue” the earth and “rule” over all living
creatures (Genesis 1:28). This is a headship that is seen in God’s authority over man
and man’s authority over creation. When the man and the woman sinned, they
reversed the order of headship, seen in the serpent (representing creation)
deceiving the woman, the woman taking the fruit and giving it to the man, and the man
putting the blame on God. In other words, sin results in the reversal of the God’s
original design. In his rebellion, the first man Adam set himself over God. In
salvation, Jesus Christ comes as the second Adam, the true man who humbles
himself before God his Father and willingly goes to the cross. The result is a new creation,
one where Jesus reigns as Christ and Lord, and all creation is put in submission under
his feet. Ephesians Chapter 1, verse 22 says “And God placed everything under
his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is
his body.” Just as Christ submits himself under God, so Christians submit
themselves under Jesus as Lord. This is seen in our relationships to one
another as the church. This is reflected in our marriages as husbands and
wives under Christ.
Secondly, submitting to one
another does not - and cannot - mean mutual submission. Nowhere does Christ
submit himself under the authority of the church. Nowhere does it say that God
submits himself under the headship of Christ. And in our passage today,
husbands are not called to submit under the authority of their wives. So, when
Paul calls upon the church to “submit to one another in reverence to Christ”,
he isn’t therefore instituting a flat organisational structure, abolishing all
forms of authority within the Christian community. If anything Paul establishes
Jesus Christ as first and foremost, Lord over his the church, his body. And out
of reverence, literally fear of him (referring to his final judgement and
return), we are called to submit to his word and to the authority of leaders
whose chief responsibility is to preach his word in the church (see Ephesians
4:11 on apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers, also Hebrews
13:17, “Obey your leaders and submit to their authority”). Submitting to “one
another”, far from abolishing all forms of authority and hierarchy, actually
assumes visible loving leadership in the church.
But what does this look like in the home, for
the wife? In short, it means that the godly wife allows her husband to be the
man in their marriage. It means letting him take the lead - on matters to do with
money, on matters to do with the children, on where you will live - and
submitting to those decisions in love and full support under Christ. Again,
remember the events before and after the fall in Genesis: the woman was created
as companion and helper to the man but after the fall, God pronounces the curse
on Eve, saying, “Your desire will be on your husband and he will rule over
you.” It is the desire to usurp the role of the man. To take charge and
diminish the headship of the man. Submission is the reversal of this curse that
comes salvation in Christ. Jesus frees you from sin to serve him as Lord, but
also to serve your husband in your marriage.
This is God’s word to the Christian wife. But what if your
husband messes up? What if he doesn’t take charge? What if he’s a
good-for-nothing bum? Paul will speak to him very soon, but right here, right
now, he speaks to you. “Wives,” he says. This is about your walk with Jesus and
what it looks like in your marriages. But I think Paul does sense how hard this
will be for the married women he is speaking to, and I get this from what he
says next.
Now as the church submits to
Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Ephesians 5:24
He says, “Look at the church.” The rest of you here today
who are going, “Phew! I’m glad I’m not a married woman. Submission sounds
hard!” Well, know this. Paul is telling these same married women to look at you
to gain insight and encouragement to be submissive to their husbands. The
question is, therefore: How is your submission? Does your own life display continuing, growing, loving submission to Jesus? Or are you using your
singleness and freedom as an excuse to be selfish? Paul is saying to the wives
in our church, look at how your brothers and sisters put Jesus first in their
life decisions. I hope that’s true here in the Chinese Church. I hope the
married sisters and mums come here, look at all of us and see that submission
is not something that only they have to struggle with at home, but that submission
characterises our daily walk with Jesus. We are always seeking to please him,
to serve him and to love him.
Another important point we learn from verse 24 is this: Your
husband doesn’t save you, only Jesus does. The NIV has “Now as the
church submits to Christ,” comparing the submission of Christians to Jesus to
the submission of wives to their husbands, when the word is actually “but”
(Greek: alla). Meaning, yes, there is a comparison with Jesus, but also
a contrast between husbands and Jesus. Earlier, Paul says that Christ “is
himself its Saviour” (ESV). But. There is a turning point. Jesus saves the
church. Jesus is head over the church. The church is the body of Christ. And
because of all this, wives ought to submit to Jesus and submit to their
husbands. But only Jesus saves.
Why labour on this point? Look around you. Here in the
Chinese Church, and in most churches in the UK and around the world, most
converts are women. Most Christians who continue coming to church are women.
There are more women following Jesus than men. There are more wives coming to
church, telling their kids about Jesus, than their husbands. This situation
results in two heart-breaking problems: (1) unmarried Christian girls who can’t
find a faithful life partner; and (2) Christian wives whose husbands do not
know Jesus. The bible is saying to both, your husband cannot save you, only
Jesus can, and the command still stands: Submit yourselves to your husbands. To
those who are unmarried, it is very unwise to enter into a relationship with
someone who isn’t a Christian. I have heard every excuse there is, including
the one that says, “He will have more opportunity to hear about Jesus.” The
truth is, you are putting yourself between him and knowing God. To enter into a
relationship with a non-believer would be unwise and moreover, unloving. To the
married, the bible is reminding us of our first devotion to Jesus, which ought
to make us more faithful, not less to our spouses; more loving, not less to our
spouses - irrespective of their own walk with Jesus; irrespective of their own faithfulness to Jesus. Your obedience is not contingent on theirs. If you are married
Christian woman, these verses are speaking directly to you, reminding you to
continue in obedience, love and faithfulness to Jesus, trusting him for your
salvation, and entrusting him with the salvation of your loved ones.
You might say to me, “You don’t understand, Calvin. This is
so hard.” And the bible recognises that, encouraging you to look Jesus as a
loving Saviour, reminding you that he is the true head whom you are submitting
yourself to. He makes you part of his body, the church, giving you brothers and
sisters who are all, likewise, living their lives in submission to him. But I
do want to emphasise how the bible is helpfully clear on the subject of
submission and that there is joy to be found in living dependently on God’s
grace. It teaches us patience, humility and hope. It makes our hearts long for
Jesus.
What is surprising is that the bible doesn’t say to wives,
“Love your husbands,” neither here nor anywhere else in the New Testament for
the matter. Rather, the command to love is specifically given to the men.
Loving husbands
Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to
make her holy, cleansing her by the washing of water through the word.
Ephesians
5:25-26
“Husbands,” Paul says directly to the married men, “Love
your wives.” He says it again, “In this same way, husbands ought to love their
wives,” and again, “He who loves his wife loves himself” (verse 28). And again,
“Each of you must love his wife” (verse 33). Paul never says this to women, but
four times to the men, he commands them to be loving. Love is not an emotional
response. It’s not something only the women do (like watching the Great British
Menu). Paul says love is manly. Christian husbands must be loving husbands.
What does that mean? Buying flowers. Taking her out for a
nice dinner. Doing the dishes. Looking after the kids so that she can have a
night out with her friends. Reminding her how much you love her. Waiting
outside M&S holding her shopping bags while she tries on the clothes. Yes,
it means all of these things - certainly not less - but the bible gives us
more, providing us with one clear comparison on what loving your wife looks
like. It looks like Jesus dying on the cross. “Just as Christ loved the church
and gave himself (paredoken) up for her.” We encountered this phrase a
couple of weeks ago near the beginning of Chapter 5. “Jesus Christ loved us and
gave himself up (paredoken) for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice
to God” (Ephesians 5:2). It means to die. Husbands, your job is to die. To
sacrifice yourself for the good of your wives. That is what it means to love.
It is a privilege that Jesus bestows upon us as men.
Marriage is the opportunity to give ourselves fully and sacrificially for the
good of our wives. Headship is a responsibility. It is your job to provide for
her. It is your job to protect her. It is your job to serve her. More than
that, as husband and head of the household, you are responsible for the spiritual
leadership in your family. It is not the wife’s job to say, “I think we should
pray about this,” it’s yours. It is not
the wife’s job to bug you about sleeping early on Saturday night so that you
can get up in time for church. It is yours. Earlier on, Paul said to the wives:
Let the husband be a man. Now, the bible is says to you: Be the man!
The model the bible gives us for this manhood - for male
headship - is Jesus. It’s a strange picture because Jesus was single throughout
his earthly life. Yet some of us might recall how the bible continually refers
to Jesus as the bridegroom. And here in Ephesians we see that it is the church
that is being described as his bride - “Jesus loved the church and gave himself
up for her (a feminine article, again speaking about the church)”. But more
than just dying for the church, Paul says that Jesus’ love actually makes her
more beautiful. Or to be precise, it makes her radiant!
To make her more holy,
cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to
himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but
holy and blameless.
Ephesians 5:26-27
Most single guys, when thinking about marriage, look for the
most attractive, the most compatible girl with whom they have “chemistry”. In
other words, we go all out to look for beauty but this passage says that Jesus
goes all out to make us beautiful. He makes her holy (or another word would be
“exclusive”, again symbolising marriage) and cleanses her. That’s what Jesus did
and Paul is saying, that’s what a true marriage ought to do. It makes our wives
beautiful, not through make-up and cosmetics; Jesus didn’t cover up the stains
and wrinkles and blemishes. No, what he did was wash her with water of the
word. He purified the church and he did this with the gospel. You see, men, if
you make the gospel the centre of your marriage it changes you and it changes
your wife and it transforms your marriage. It doesn’t just make her look good,
it makes her absolutely radiant. The gospel has the power to make your marriage
beautiful.
Paul is using an Old Testament picture, specifically from
the prophet Ezekiel, where God is described as the bridegroom who clothes his
bride. We find similar language from the prophetic writings of Hosea. Now when
you do read such passages in the Old Testament, the striking thing you find
isn’t simply that God would compare himself to the experiences of a husband,
providing for his wife, loving his wife and caring for his wife; but also that
in many of these instances, God equates himself with the husband whose love has
been rejected by his wife. In Ezekiel Chapter 16 - which Paul is likely
referring to when he uses this language of the cleansing and washing with water
here in Ephesians - God begins by declaring his love for his bride, but then
exposing her shame for having taken advantage of that love and being unfaithful
to his love. So, when Jesus came declaring himself to be the bridegroom (Luke
5:45, also see John 3:28), he is, on the one hand revealing his identity as the God
of the Old Testament, but on the other, revealing himself as the one who restores the beauty, the love and the faithfulness of his bride. Do you see how powerful these words are in
Ephesians? It is God saying to husbands, I know how painful and sacrificial it
is be a husband. I even know the pain of you rejected husbands. But in the
gospel lies the power to restore love and to restore beauty - through the death
and sacrifice of Jesus Christ - he brings healing, forgiveness, restoration.
The bible is saying, "That’s what Jesus did in his love for the church, his
bride," then turns to husbands and says to them, "Now you do the same for
your brides." “In the same way...” Paul says.
In the same way, husbands
ought to love their wives, as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves
himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for
it, just as Christ does the church.
Ephesians 5:28-29
There is a kind of warped reasoning not uncommon in today’s
culture that reads these verses and somehow concludes: We must love ourselves
more; that says: the key to loving others is to learn to love yourself. It is
the kind of rationale that thinks of marriage as kind of self-fulfilment
exercise. It is popular because, in part, it is true. Marriage is a blessing
given by God, not just to Christians, but to men and women in the created
order. It was instituted by God between the first man and woman before the
fall. We were made for companionship, partnership and love; marriage is God’s
gift to a man and woman to be able to express that lifelong relationship to one
another in emotional and physical intimacy.
Yet Paul is not telling us to love ourselves more - and
therefore, find a life-partner to be fulfilled. Far from that. He assumes that
we already love ourselves, that we care for our needs; and using that as a
basis, he says, “Care for your wives.” If anything, Paul is saying to us, “It’s
no longer just about you.” This is where the analogy of the body comes in. In
verse 29, he says, “After all, no one ever hated his own body.” The ESV
has, “no one ever hated his own flesh (sarx)” And that’s a significant
switch - from body to flesh - because of the very next verse.
“For this reason a man will
leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become
one flesh (sarx).”
Ephesians 5:31
The quote comes from Genesis Chapter 2, verse 24, where “one
flesh” is picture language of physical intimacy - one of the clearest bible
teaching that sex is God’s gift to be enjoyed in marriage and only in marriage
- but is picked up here by Paul to bring across another point. He is saying to
the husband: You and your wife are now one in God’s eyes; not two individuals
who happened to sign a legal document; not two people living separate lives under
one roof. You are one. Notice, that Paul says this to the husband (Verse 28:
“In the same way, husbands...”), meaning: Husbands, you are no longer your own.
Your money is not your money. Your time is no longer your time. Your life is no
longer your own. She is now part of your life. Use your money to serve her. Use
your time and energies to love her. Use your life - sacrifice it even - to love
her.
Paul’s instruction to husbands, saying, “He who loves his
wife, loves himself” (verse 28) ought to be a familiar one. After the first
commandment to love God, the second greatest, according to none other than
Jesus himself, is to “love your neighbour as yourself "(Mark 12:31, quoting
Leviticus 19:18). It’s not talking about self-fulfilment. It is a response of
obedience to God, expressed in service to someone else, not ourselves. The
bible is saying to husbands, your wife is your primary ministry: Serve her
needs. The reason you have a job is not to buy a nicer car, to advance your
career, to make more money. It is to serve the needs of your wife. The best way
of using your gifts, talents, time and resources is firstly to meet the needs
of your spouse. This is so far from self-fulfilment and self-centredness. To be
married is to be other person centred.
This is a profound mystery -
but I am talking about Christ and church.
Ephesians 5:32
By “mystery”, Paul isn’t throwing his arms in the air and
going, “Ah! But who knows how to do this... it’s a mystery!” He isn’t saying
that this is mysterious! Rather, “mystery” in the bible is something previously
hidden that has now been uncovered. “Secret” would be a better word. Psst!
Here’s the secret, Paul seems to be saying: It’s Jesus.
A few moments ago, I said to the wives, “If you feel
discouraged, look to the church.” But do you know what this verse is saying?
It’s saying to the whole church, “If you feel discouraged, look to the
husbands.” A husband who is godly, who loves his wife sacrificially, becomes a
display of Jesus’ love for his church that is so powerful, it reveals the
gospel. In part, this is why God entrusts the care of his church into the hands of
ordinary, faithful, loving men who know what it takes to care for their own family.
These men display God’s saving love in Jesus Christ.
However, each of you also must
love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.
Ephesians 5:32
Finally, Paul talks to both the husband and wife. “Each of
you,” speaking to the husbands, “must love”. Both husband and wife are in the
same room, sitting next to one another. The bible address both together; but
God also speaks to each individually. Meaning this: You don’t need to tell the
other to get this done. Husbands, it’s not your job to remind your wives after
service today, to nag less, to be more submissive, to be more obedient. You
have your own job to get done: Love your wives and meet her needs! Wives, it’s
not your job to point out how your husbands have not been loving enough, to say
to them, “Aha! Did you hear what today’s passage was saying to you today? (Wink,
wink!)” You have your own word from God, too: Be submissive to your husbands.
What this means is, for those of us who are married, your
relationship with your spouse is an expression of your faith and trust in Jesus
Christ. The NIV has the instruction to wives as “respect [your]
husband”. More accurately, the word is “fear” (phobeomai), the same word used
at the beginning of our passage, “Submit to one another out of fear of
Christ.” I can understand why most translations would rather not use that word.
“Fear” sounds negative. When applied towards husbands, it sounds absolutely
horrifying. But it’s not talking about fearful husbands. Rather, the bible is
addressing God-fearing wives who submit themselves under loving, sacrificial
husbands. It is pointing us back to the original theme verse, addressing all
Christians in the church to recognise the lordship of Jesus Christ and to walk
obediently in his love.
Submit to
one another out of reverence to (or, fear of) Christ.
Ephesians
5:21
I began by saying that though this is the clearest passage
on marriage, it is also the most unpopular. It is not hard to see why. Words
like submission, fear, sacrifice and death don’t exactly feature in most wedding
sermons. And yet, for all the complexity of today’s bible text, isn’t it rather
clear? Wives, submit. Husbands, die... I mean, love sacrificially. The problem
isn’t that non-Christians will misunderstand the meaning of the bible. Quite
the opposite, in fact. The problem is the bible is crystal clear on the role
and responsibilities of the husband and wife, and that’s why we avoid texts
like these. We are afraid of offending our guests. If so, it is worth repeating
Paul’s opening statement to all Christians in verse 21, to fear Christ. He is Lord.
Then again, Paul isn’t addressing the bridegroom and the
bride on their wedding day. These instructions are to the husband and the wife
who are already married. And these instructions were written to a gathering of
people who were already believers in Christ. And that’s an encouraging thought.
It means the proper setting to learn and to understand this text is right here,
on a Sunday like this, in the Chinese Church. It means that husbands and wives
will continue to struggle with issues of submission and loving leadership, in
every marriage in every church (that’s why we have similar instructions in
Colossians 3 and 1 Peter 3) but also that they can keep coming back to God’s
word for guidance, comfort and strength. But most of all, it is encouraging
because it reminds all of us that Jesus loves us - he is the source of our
humility and the true example of submission; he is the true bridegroom and head
over the church. Jesus loves us fully and enables us to respond in loving
obedience to him and even to one another. As husbands and wives. As brothers
and sisters. As sons and daughters of God.
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