The God of the living (Matthew 22:23-33)

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Cause they’re so sad, you see?

I don’t wanna be a Sadducee,

I don’t wanna be a Sadducee,

‘Cause they’re so sad, you see?

I don’t wanna be a Sadducee.

The reason why they are sad, you see, is because the Sadducees “say there is no resurrection” (verse 23). That is, Sadducees believe that God will not raise you from the dead. Now it is important to note that these weren’t atheists. The Sadducees believed in God and moreover, they believed in the bible. Yet, what differentiated them from the Pharisees, whom we’ve been meeting these past few weeks, is that the Sadducees only accepted the first five books of Moses from Genesis to Deuteronomy. Which is why their question begins with Moses.

“Teacher,” they said, “Moses told us that if a man dies without having children, his brother must marry the widow and have children for him. Now there were seven brothers among us.  The first one married and died, and since he had no children, he left his wife to his brother. The same thing happened to the second and third brother, right down to the seventh. Finally, the woman died.”

Matthew 22:24-27

They begin with a command from Moses about levirate marriage, where the Hebrew word levir refers to the “husband’s brother”. The command says that in the event of a man’s death, the man’s brother is to marry the widow for two reasons - to provide for her, but also, to bring up children in the dead man’s name. That’s what Moses told them to do, say the Sadducees, but then the ask Jesus: What if. They propose a what-if scenario, where there is a family of seven brothers. The reason I call this a what-if scenario is because even in Jesus’ day, this law was no longer practiced. Still, it may be that this scenario really happened, because in verse 25, they say to Jesus, “There were seven brothers among us.” And the scenario is this: The first brother dies without any kids, so the law kicks in: the second brother steps up  to marry the widow. But then he dies, and she gets passed down to brother number three. But he dies as well. This happens seven times such that the poor widow ends up getting married to seven men and mourning over seven husbands. The saddest verse is, I think, verse 27, which reads, “Finally, she dies.” Childless and alone, she goes to the grave.

“Now then, at the resurrection, whose wife will she be of the seven, since all of them were married to her?”

Matthew 22:28

Hence, the question from the Sadducees about the resurrection. “Whose wife will she be?” It isn’t just a question about the resurrection, is it? It is also a question about the permanence of marriage. That is, marriage poses a serious problem for the resurrection. This is not a case of someone being unfaithful in their marriage. This is not a case of someone who got divorced again and again, whose marriages broke down again and again, seven times. No, this is an actual command in the bible from Moses himself, which if obeyed to the letter as God’s word revealed in the Scriptures, would pose a serious problem for the resurrection.

The Sadducees point was this: Moses was very clear about marriage. Moses gave commands about getting married - even strange ones like the one we have here about marrying your dead brother’s widow - but Moses said nothing about the resurrection, and the truth is, a situation whereby God would raise dead people from the grave, would pose serious problems not simply about the improbability of such an event, but would contradict God’s own word revealed in the bible.

“Whose wife will she be of the seven?” The Sadducees weren’t looking for an answer. They thought they knew the answer; that there could only be one answer. None. God would never allow such a preposterous problem to exist because the Sadducees believed that God does not raise the dead.

How does Jesus answer them? He tells the bible experts, they don’t know their bibles.

Jesus replied, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.”

Matthew 22:29

Because the Sadducees pose to Jesus a two-part question - on marriage and the resurrection - Jesus gives them a two-part answer - on the word of God and the power of God.

Two kinds of raising

At the resurrection, people will neither marry nor be given in marriage; they will be like the angels in heaven.

Matthew 22:30

People are permanent, marriage is not. I realise how risky it is to say something like that, and how likely a statement like that can be easily misunderstood. But I will say it again, people are permanent, marriage isn’t. Marriage is a good thing, but it is, for all the good it does and for all  the joy it brings, a temporary thing, when set against the full scope of God’s plan for redemption.

What do I mean? Look back to the law of Moses in verse 24. The reason why the widow marries the brother-in-law, isn’t companionship and love, though those form part of the reason for the marriage - that she is looked after and provided for. The reason is children. If a man died without children, the brother-in-law marries his wife in order to raise children. And here I need to point out that the word for raise is exactly the same for resurrection. Two kinds of raising is being compared and contrasted. On one hand, there is the raising of children within godly families. That’s an important element for marriage we tend to overlook today - the raising of children by both the father and mother - because we tend to put it off or some of us would rather not think about it at all. Yet in Malachi Chapter 2, God says about the married couple, “Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring” (Malachi 2:15). The purpose for levirate marriages is the same for all faithful marriages, to raise godly children. And actually, this was a risky thing for the brother-in-law to do, to fulfil the command and marry the widow, because the children that they raised would not be in his name, it would be in his dead brother’s name.

If you remember, that is precisely what happened in the book of Ruth. One moment, the kinsman-redeemer says, “I’ll marry her,” thinking the widow he is taking on is old-grandma Naomi, who couldn’t possibly produce any more children. He’ll look like the hero, stepping in to save the day by giving the poor lady a roof over her head, when in actual fact, he would be inheriting all the fortune of her dead husband. But then Boaz says it’s not grandma Naomi he is to marry, but Ruth, her daughter-in-law, who is a foreigner and who is still, in fact, young of age. Immediately the kinsmen-redeemer goes, “I cannot redeem it because I might endanger my own estate.” What was he saying? He was risking his own fortune by marrying Ruth because the whole point of the kinsman-redeemer levirate marriage law was to produce a son in the widow’s dead husband’s name, and doing that, might mean that this son, who isn’t yours, who wouldn’t even bear your name, would inherit both his father’s estate and yours. That is what he meant when he said, “I cannot redeem it because I might endanger my own estate.”

The purpose of the levirate marriage was to raise children. Children who would know and love their parents. Children who would know and love their God. But, Jesus says, one day there will be no need for such raising, because God will raise his children from the dead. People will neither marry nor be given in marriage, because it is not parents who will produce children in heaven, but God. He will raise his children and they will bear his name. God is the ultimate kinsman-redeemer. This is what Jesus meant when he said we will be like the angels, not that we will be able to fly, not that we will no longer be male or female, not that we will all be dressed in white robes and play golden harps all day, but that they will be with God in heaven.

So, the first part of the answer has to do with the power of God. God raises his children from the dead, the same way God raised Jesus, his Son from the dead. But the second part of the answer has to do with the Word of God. Whereas the Sadducees were saying, “We’re just listening to what Moses said to us,” back in verse 24, Jesus answers them by saying, “Are you listening to what God is saying to you through Moses?”

The God of the living

“But about the resurrection from the dead - have you not read what God said to you, ‘I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob’? He is not the God of the dead but of the living.”

Matthew 22:31-32

This comes from Moses’ very first encounter with God at the burning bush. In Exodus Chapter 3, Moses is looking after some sheep in the desert, he goes up a mountain where he sees a strange thing: a bush that was burning and burning, but didn’t burn itself up. As he steps closer to have a look at this strange thing, God calls out from within the bush, “Moses! Moses!”

And Moses said, “Here I am.”

“Do not come any closer,” God said. “Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy ground.” Then he said, “I am the God of your father, the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.”

Exodus 3:4-5

God is telling Moses that he is the same God who spoke to Abraham, then Abraham’s son, Isaac, and then Isaac’s son, Jacob. I am that same God, God is saying. But then Jesus adds, “He is not the God of the dead but of the living,” and the point Jesus is drawing our attention to is God’s name which is “I AM”. God reveals, through his name, that he is everlasting and eternal. “I AM WHO I AM” is the name that God reveals to Moses. God is self-existent, self-sufficient and everlasting.

But what God also does in revealing the eternal nature of his name, is to extend a part of that nature to his children. “I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” He doesn’t say, “I was” - as in, I was the God of Abraham. He says, “I am”. Meaning, God who is eternal, has a relationship that is also eternal and ongoing with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, even though, they had been dead for over 400 years. Jesus says that God is not the God of the dead but he is the God of the living, implying that, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob were very much still alive with God.

God is their God

Now I will admit that it is a rather strange argument that Jesus uses here to prove his case. But if you understand what he is getting at, Jesus is telling us something that is quite marvellous. At the heart of the resurrection is relationship. It isn’t simply believing that God will be able to raise a dead man to life again. He can and he did with Jesus. But that the reason why God raises us as Christians from dead to life eternal is so that we will have a relationship that surpasses all other relationships in this lifetime.

You see, I suspect that the bigger problem for many of you reading this passage isn’t the bit of being raised from the dead. Not if you’re young. Not if you’re healthy or if you’ve just graduated from university, and there is so much promise and hope ahead of you. No, you’re still hung up on the first part of Jesus’ answer on marriage. When Jesus says there will be no marriage in heaven, many of you went, “What? No marriage? What kind of heaven is this? Why would I want to go there?”

As it is, marriage is a touchy subject for many single Christians, who stay up all night praying to God, “Lord, when will it be my turn to experience happiness and companionship?” But let me tell you, married couples have an even bigger problem with this verse. If you love your husband and wife deeply - I’m not talking about a bad marriage or a broken marriage - but the best of marriages, whereby you cherish one another, and you experience a relationship that growing in trust, submission, love, sacrifice and togetherness, this verse is tough, because Jesus is saying that at the resurrection people will neither marry, they will not be given in marriage, and by extension, they will no longer be married.

But Jesus also promises us that God is no one’s debtor. In the resurrection, God gives us something that is so precious, so fulfilling, so wonderful, it will trump even the best of marriages. He gives us himself.

Do you remember the story the Sadducees told and the question they asked in the end? “In the resurrection, whose wife will she be?” They think that the wife will have to be divided up between the seven brothers, that each man will get only a part of her - one-seventh - in the resurrection. But here is God saying, “I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob.” It doesn’t mean that Abraham, Isaac and Jacob get one-third of God. Rather, it means they get all of him. He is their God, and it is amazing that God is willing to say that. He doesn’t simply say, “These are my servants. They are my messengers,” or even, “They belong to me.” No God says, “I belong to them. I am their God.”

“Don’t you know this?” Jesus says to the Sadducees as a kind of wake-up call. Don’t you know that the greatest promise God has in his word is the promise of himself? That’s the tragedy of the Sadducees. For all their learning and piety, for all their dedication to God and for all their discipline towards God’s word, Jesus says to them, “You are in error because you do not know the Scriptures or the power of God.” They are sad, you see, because they don’t know God. They are sad, you see, because unlike Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, I’m not sure that God would say of them that he is their God.

Is he yours? That’s the real question, isn’t it? Would God say of you and me, “I am the God of Calvin, the God of David, and the God of Wei Mun?” Jesus gives us the answer. God is not the God of the dead but of the living. Only those who have been raised in Jesus, as sons of God, as daughters of God; only those who are living in newness of life empowered by his Spirit; only those who look to Jesus who was raised from the dead, will know God as their God. This week, Winnie, Lisa and Sarah led us in the study of these verses from Romans Chapter 6 at Rock Fellowship, and I commend them to you.

Now if we died with Christ, we believe we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.

Romans 6:8-10

Have you been raised with Christ? For Christians, the resurrection isn’t a future uncertainty, a what-if scenario. Christians look back to one resurrection and know that they will be raised. Christians look back to one life and know they, too, have eternal life. Christians look back to Jesus Christ on the cross and say, “If we died with him, we believe we will also live with him.”

Jesus lives and so shall I

I’ll be raised from the dust with Christ on high

Jesus lives no more to die

And when He returns with Him I’ll rise

Jesus lives

(“Jesus Lives” by Sovereign Grace Music)

A marriage made in heaven (Ephesians 5:21-33)

One of the clearest texts on Christian marriage in the one we are looking at today. It is the longest found in the bible on the subject of marriage. It is the most direct - addressing wives and husbands about their marriage. And yet, I wonder if it is also the most unpopular. Thinking back to weddings I’ve attended in past years, none have chosen this text as a bible reading. Almost all refer to 1 Corinthians 13, emphasising love. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud... Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13 is a marvellous passage, don’t get me wrong. Only there, the bible isn’t speaking about marital love in particular - the love between a husband and a wife - but rather, Christian love amongst all believers. Indeed, if we understood the context of 1 Corinthians, we would know that Paul was writing to an unloving church, teaching them about what it means to love and rebuking them for not displaying such love in Jesus Christ.

No, this is the passage to read, to have preached, to commit to memory and to apply in our daily lives, if you are at all serious about marriage. Whether it is because you are married, or that you are thinking about getting married, or even if you have chosen not to get married - yes, the bible is speaking to you also. Because Paul begins by speaking not just to the married couple, but to the entire church.

Submit to one another out of reverence to Christ.

Ephesians 5:21

The theme is submission. That is the heading for this entire section of Paul’s letter to Christians in Ephesus: Submit to one another. What follows are three examples of submission - the wife to her husband (Ephesians 5:22-33), children to their parents (Ephesians 6:1-4) and slaves to their masters (Ephesians 6:5-9); three relationships characterised by submission, three relationships expressing submission to Jesus Christ as Lord. “Out of reverence to Christ,” Paul writes.

That is hard. If you are the wife, the child or the slave, you might say to me, “That is impossibly hard!” More likely, you might say to me, “That is unfair.” I want to convince you that instead of being unfair, burdensome or old-fashioned, what we have here is real, helpful and demonstrable love. What I mean is this: Paul doesn’t just leave things at verse 21. Otherwise, I wonder if we might invest all kinds of meaning into that command to “Submit to one another,” from either being touchy-feely and superficial in our submission (like the way Chinese people fuss over the bill at the end of a meal in a restaurant), to being overbearing and abusive in our relationships by reminding others to be submissive (like telling off the teenagers for not helping to serve tea after church).

What Paul does is illustrate for us what it means to submit to one another in Jesus, as if to say, “This is what it looks like.” Immediately, Paul turns and addresses the women, saying, “Wives...”

Submissive wives

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour.

Ephesians 5:22

Paul speaks directly to the wives; the married women in the church. “Ladies,” he says, “I want you to know that you are not following some sort of tradition, some old-fashioned ideas cooked up by men to oppress women in the workplace and in the bedroom. You are following Jesus.” Meaning, Paul isn’t simply giving good advice. He is helping married women to work out what it means to be a Christian believer in their marriage. As far as we can tell, Paul himself was single and unmarried. So, he isn’t saying, “Look at how successful my marriage is. Why, yours can be, too!” What he is saying is, “This is God’s word to you as married women who follow Jesus Christ as Lord: Submit to your husbands.”

Now, submission does not mean servitude. Submission does not mean you allow yourself to be abused physically and emotionally by your husband. Submission does not mean you participate in sinful acts with your husband. But submission does mean that you recognise your husband as the head of the household. He has authority and responsibility over you and your family, just as Jesus has authority and responsibility over the church. It is recognising an order in creation and salvation.

For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour.

Ephesians 5:23

Some would argue that this submission goes both ways. After all, verse 21 calls on all of us to “Submit to one another,” advocating a kind of mutual submission. Therefore, the husband, too, ought to submit to his wife. I must admit how attractive this idea of mutual submission is, as elsewhere, Paul does tell us to humble ourselves before one another (Philippians 2:3). Having said that, to conclude that submission is generically the same in every direction (without any distinction between husband and wife) would be to misunderstand the nature of the word “submission” and to misinterpret the phrase, “one another”.

Firstly, submission (Greek: hypotasso) means putting yourself under another person’s authority, or as Paul puts it, another person’s headship. Hence the headship of Christ over his church becomes the basis of the headship of the husband over his wife. This headship is embedded in creation, going back to the opening chapters of Genesis, where God gave authority to the man and woman to “subdue” the earth and “rule” over all living creatures (Genesis 1:28). This is a headship that is seen in God’s authority over man and man’s authority over creation. When the man and the woman sinned, they reversed the order of headship, seen in the serpent (representing creation) deceiving the woman, the woman taking the fruit and giving it to the man, and the man putting the blame on God. In other words, sin results in the reversal of the God’s original design. In his rebellion, the first man Adam set himself over God. In salvation, Jesus Christ comes as the second Adam, the true man who humbles himself before God his Father and willingly goes to the cross. The result is a new creation, one where Jesus reigns as Christ and Lord, and all creation is put in submission under his feet. Ephesians Chapter 1, verse 22 says “And God placed everything under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body.” Just as Christ submits himself under God, so Christians submit themselves under Jesus as Lord. This is seen in our relationships to one another as the church. This is reflected in our marriages as husbands and wives under Christ.

Secondly, submitting to one another does not - and cannot - mean mutual submission. Nowhere does Christ submit himself under the authority of the church. Nowhere does it say that God submits himself under the headship of Christ. And in our passage today, husbands are not called to submit under the authority of their wives. So, when Paul calls upon the church to “submit to one another in reverence to Christ”, he isn’t therefore instituting a flat organisational structure, abolishing all forms of authority within the Christian community. If anything Paul establishes Jesus Christ as first and foremost, Lord over his the church, his body. And out of reverence, literally fear of him (referring to his final judgement and return), we are called to submit to his word and to the authority of leaders whose chief responsibility is to preach his word in the church (see Ephesians 4:11 on apostles, prophets, evangelists, pastors and teachers, also Hebrews 13:17, “Obey your leaders and submit to their authority”). Submitting to “one another”, far from abolishing all forms of authority and hierarchy, actually assumes visible loving leadership in the church.

But what does this look like in the home, for the wife? In short, it means that the godly wife allows her husband to be the man in their marriage. It means letting him take the lead - on matters to do with money, on matters to do with the children, on where you will live - and submitting to those decisions in love and full support under Christ. Again, remember the events before and after the fall in Genesis: the woman was created as companion and helper to the man but after the fall, God pronounces the curse on Eve, saying, “Your desire will be on your husband and he will rule over you.” It is the desire to usurp the role of the man. To take charge and diminish the headship of the man. Submission is the reversal of this curse that comes salvation in Christ. Jesus frees you from sin to serve him as Lord, but also to serve your husband in your marriage.

This is God’s word to the Christian wife. But what if your husband messes up? What if he doesn’t take charge? What if he’s a good-for-nothing bum? Paul will speak to him very soon, but right here, right now, he speaks to you. “Wives,” he says. This is about your walk with Jesus and what it looks like in your marriages. But I think Paul does sense how hard this will be for the married women he is speaking to, and I get this from what he says next.

Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Ephesians 5:24

He says, “Look at the church.” The rest of you here today who are going, “Phew! I’m glad I’m not a married woman. Submission sounds hard!” Well, know this. Paul is telling these same married women to look at you to gain insight and encouragement to be submissive to their husbands. The question is, therefore: How is your submission? Does your own life display continuing, growing, loving submission to Jesus? Or are you using your singleness and freedom as an excuse to be selfish? Paul is saying to the wives in our church, look at how your brothers and sisters put Jesus first in their life decisions. I hope that’s true here in the Chinese Church. I hope the married sisters and mums come here, look at all of us and see that submission is not something that only they have to struggle with at home, but that submission characterises our daily walk with Jesus. We are always seeking to please him, to serve him and to love him.

Another important point we learn from verse 24 is this: Your husband doesn’t save you, only Jesus does. The NIV has “Now as the church submits to Christ,” comparing the submission of Christians to Jesus to the submission of wives to their husbands, when the word is actually “but” (Greek: alla). Meaning, yes, there is a comparison with Jesus, but also a contrast between husbands and Jesus. Earlier, Paul says that Christ “is himself its Saviour” (ESV). But. There is a turning point. Jesus saves the church. Jesus is head over the church. The church is the body of Christ. And because of all this, wives ought to submit to Jesus and submit to their husbands. But only Jesus saves.

Why labour on this point? Look around you. Here in the Chinese Church, and in most churches in the UK and around the world, most converts are women. Most Christians who continue coming to church are women. There are more women following Jesus than men. There are more wives coming to church, telling their kids about Jesus, than their husbands. This situation results in two heart-breaking problems: (1) unmarried Christian girls who can’t find a faithful life partner; and (2) Christian wives whose husbands do not know Jesus. The bible is saying to both, your husband cannot save you, only Jesus can, and the command still stands: Submit yourselves to your husbands. To those who are unmarried, it is very unwise to enter into a relationship with someone who isn’t a Christian. I have heard every excuse there is, including the one that says, “He will have more opportunity to hear about Jesus.” The truth is, you are putting yourself between him and knowing God. To enter into a relationship with a non-believer would be unwise and moreover, unloving. To the married, the bible is reminding us of our first devotion to Jesus, which ought to make us more faithful, not less to our spouses; more loving, not less to our spouses - irrespective of their own walk with Jesus; irrespective of their own faithfulness to Jesus. Your obedience is not contingent on theirs. If you are married Christian woman, these verses are speaking directly to you, reminding you to continue in obedience, love and faithfulness to Jesus, trusting him for your salvation, and entrusting him with the salvation of your loved ones.

You might say to me, “You don’t understand, Calvin. This is so hard.” And the bible recognises that, encouraging you to look Jesus as a loving Saviour, reminding you that he is the true head whom you are submitting yourself to. He makes you part of his body, the church, giving you brothers and sisters who are all, likewise, living their lives in submission to him. But I do want to emphasise how the bible is helpfully clear on the subject of submission and that there is joy to be found in living dependently on God’s grace. It teaches us patience, humility and hope. It makes our hearts long for Jesus.

What is surprising is that the bible doesn’t say to wives, “Love your husbands,” neither here nor anywhere else in the New Testament for the matter. Rather, the command to love is specifically given to the men.

Loving husbands

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing of water through the word.

Ephesians 5:25-26

“Husbands,” Paul says directly to the married men, “Love your wives.” He says it again, “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives,” and again, “He who loves his wife loves himself” (verse 28). And again, “Each of you must love his wife” (verse 33). Paul never says this to women, but four times to the men, he commands them to be loving. Love is not an emotional response. It’s not something only the women do (like watching the Great British Menu). Paul says love is manly. Christian husbands must be loving husbands.

What does that mean? Buying flowers. Taking her out for a nice dinner. Doing the dishes. Looking after the kids so that she can have a night out with her friends. Reminding her how much you love her. Waiting outside M&S holding her shopping bags while she tries on the clothes. Yes, it means all of these things - certainly not less - but the bible gives us more, providing us with one clear comparison on what loving your wife looks like. It looks like Jesus dying on the cross. “Just as Christ loved the church and gave himself (paredoken) up for her.” We encountered this phrase a couple of weeks ago near the beginning of Chapter 5. “Jesus Christ loved us and gave himself up (paredoken) for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God” (Ephesians 5:2). It means to die. Husbands, your job is to die. To sacrifice yourself for the good of your wives. That is what it means to love.

It is a privilege that Jesus bestows upon us as men. Marriage is the opportunity to give ourselves fully and sacrificially for the good of our wives. Headship is a responsibility. It is your job to provide for her. It is your job to protect her. It is your job to serve her. More than that, as husband and head of the household, you are responsible for the spiritual leadership in your family. It is not the wife’s job to say, “I think we should pray about this,” it’s yours.  It is not the wife’s job to bug you about sleeping early on Saturday night so that you can get up in time for church. It is yours. Earlier on, Paul said to the wives: Let the husband be a man. Now, the bible is says to you: Be the man!

The model the bible gives us for this manhood - for male headship - is Jesus. It’s a strange picture because Jesus was single throughout his earthly life. Yet some of us might recall how the bible continually refers to Jesus as the bridegroom. And here in Ephesians we see that it is the church that is being described as his bride - “Jesus loved the church and gave himself up for her (a feminine article, again speaking about the church)”. But more than just dying for the church, Paul says that Jesus’ love actually makes her more beautiful. Or to be precise, it makes her radiant!

To make her more holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.

Ephesians 5:26-27

Most single guys, when thinking about marriage, look for the most attractive, the most compatible girl with whom they have “chemistry”. In other words, we go all out to look for beauty but this passage says that Jesus goes all out to make us beautiful. He makes her holy (or another word would be “exclusive”, again symbolising marriage) and cleanses her. That’s what Jesus did and Paul is saying, that’s what a true marriage ought to do. It makes our wives beautiful, not through make-up and cosmetics; Jesus didn’t cover up the stains and wrinkles and blemishes. No, what he did was wash her with water of the word. He purified the church and he did this with the gospel. You see, men, if you make the gospel the centre of your marriage it changes you and it changes your wife and it transforms your marriage. It doesn’t just make her look good, it makes her absolutely radiant. The gospel has the power to make your marriage beautiful.

Paul is using an Old Testament picture, specifically from the prophet Ezekiel, where God is described as the bridegroom who clothes his bride. We find similar language from the prophetic writings of Hosea. Now when you do read such passages in the Old Testament, the striking thing you find isn’t simply that God would compare himself to the experiences of a husband, providing for his wife, loving his wife and caring for his wife; but also that in many of these instances, God equates himself with the husband whose love has been rejected by his wife. In Ezekiel Chapter 16 - which Paul is likely referring to when he uses this language of the cleansing and washing with water here in Ephesians - God begins by declaring his love for his bride, but then exposing her shame for having taken advantage of that love and being unfaithful to his love. So, when Jesus came declaring himself to be the bridegroom (Luke 5:45, also see John 3:28), he is, on the one hand revealing his identity as the God of the Old Testament, but on the other, revealing himself as the one who restores the beauty, the love and the faithfulness of his bride. Do you see how powerful these words are in Ephesians? It is God saying to husbands, I know how painful and sacrificial it is be a husband. I even know the pain of you rejected husbands. But in the gospel lies the power to restore love and to restore beauty - through the death and sacrifice of Jesus Christ - he brings healing, forgiveness, restoration. The bible is saying, "That’s what Jesus did in his love for the church, his bride," then turns to husbands and says to them, "Now you do the same for your brides." “In the same way...” Paul says.

In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives, as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church.

Ephesians 5:28-29

There is a kind of warped reasoning not uncommon in today’s culture that reads these verses and somehow concludes: We must love ourselves more; that says: the key to loving others is to learn to love yourself. It is the kind of rationale that thinks of marriage as kind of self-fulfilment exercise. It is popular because, in part, it is true. Marriage is a blessing given by God, not just to Christians, but to men and women in the created order. It was instituted by God between the first man and woman before the fall. We were made for companionship, partnership and love; marriage is God’s gift to a man and woman to be able to express that lifelong relationship to one another in emotional and physical intimacy.

Yet Paul is not telling us to love ourselves more - and therefore, find a life-partner to be fulfilled. Far from that. He assumes that we already love ourselves, that we care for our needs; and using that as a basis, he says, “Care for your wives.” If anything, Paul is saying to us, “It’s no longer just about you.” This is where the analogy of the body comes in. In verse 29, he says, “After all, no one ever hated his own body.” The ESV has, “no one ever hated his own flesh (sarx)” And that’s a significant switch - from body to flesh - because of the very next verse.

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh (sarx).”

Ephesians 5:31

The quote comes from Genesis Chapter 2, verse 24, where “one flesh” is picture language of physical intimacy - one of the clearest bible teaching that sex is God’s gift to be enjoyed in marriage and only in marriage - but is picked up here by Paul to bring across another point. He is saying to the husband: You and your wife are now one in God’s eyes; not two individuals who happened to sign a legal document; not two people living separate lives under one roof. You are one. Notice, that Paul says this to the husband (Verse 28: “In the same way, husbands...”), meaning: Husbands, you are no longer your own. Your money is not your money. Your time is no longer your time. Your life is no longer your own. She is now part of your life. Use your money to serve her. Use your time and energies to love her. Use your life - sacrifice it even - to love her.

Paul’s instruction to husbands, saying, “He who loves his wife, loves himself” (verse 28) ought to be a familiar one. After the first commandment to love God, the second greatest, according to none other than Jesus himself, is to “love your neighbour as yourself "(Mark 12:31, quoting Leviticus 19:18). It’s not talking about self-fulfilment. It is a response of obedience to God, expressed in service to someone else, not ourselves. The bible is saying to husbands, your wife is your primary ministry: Serve her needs. The reason you have a job is not to buy a nicer car, to advance your career, to make more money. It is to serve the needs of your wife. The best way of using your gifts, talents, time and resources is firstly to meet the needs of your spouse. This is so far from self-fulfilment and self-centredness. To be married is to be other person centred.

This is a profound mystery - but I am talking about Christ and church.

Ephesians 5:32

By “mystery”, Paul isn’t throwing his arms in the air and going, “Ah! But who knows how to do this... it’s a mystery!” He isn’t saying that this is mysterious! Rather, “mystery” in the bible is something previously hidden that has now been uncovered. “Secret” would be a better word. Psst! Here’s the secret, Paul seems to be saying: It’s Jesus.

A few moments ago, I said to the wives, “If you feel discouraged, look to the church.” But do you know what this verse is saying? It’s saying to the whole church, “If you feel discouraged, look to the husbands.” A husband who is godly, who loves his wife sacrificially, becomes a display of Jesus’ love for his church that is so powerful, it reveals the gospel. In part, this is why God entrusts the care of his church into the hands of ordinary, faithful, loving men who know what it takes to care for their own family. These men display God’s saving love in Jesus Christ.

However, each of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:32

Finally, Paul talks to both the husband and wife. “Each of you,” speaking to the husbands, “must love”. Both husband and wife are in the same room, sitting next to one another. The bible address both together; but God also speaks to each individually. Meaning this: You don’t need to tell the other to get this done. Husbands, it’s not your job to remind your wives after service today, to nag less, to be more submissive, to be more obedient. You have your own job to get done: Love your wives and meet her needs! Wives, it’s not your job to point out how your husbands have not been loving enough, to say to them, “Aha! Did you hear what today’s passage was saying to you today? (Wink, wink!)” You have your own word from God, too: Be submissive to your husbands.

What this means is, for those of us who are married, your relationship with your spouse is an expression of your faith and trust in Jesus Christ. The NIV has the instruction to wives as “respect [your] husband”. More accurately, the word is “fear” (phobeomai), the same word used at the beginning of our passage, “Submit to one another out of fear of Christ.” I can understand why most translations would rather not use that word. “Fear” sounds negative. When applied towards husbands, it sounds absolutely horrifying. But it’s not talking about fearful husbands. Rather, the bible is addressing God-fearing wives who submit themselves under loving, sacrificial husbands. It is pointing us back to the original theme verse, addressing all Christians in the church to recognise the lordship of Jesus Christ and to walk obediently in his love.

Submit to one another out of reverence to (or, fear of) Christ.

Ephesians 5:21

I began by saying that though this is the clearest passage on marriage, it is also the most unpopular. It is not hard to see why. Words like submission, fear, sacrifice and death don’t exactly feature in most wedding sermons. And yet, for all the complexity of today’s bible text, isn’t it rather clear? Wives, submit. Husbands, die... I mean, love sacrificially. The problem isn’t that non-Christians will misunderstand the meaning of the bible. Quite the opposite, in fact. The problem is the bible is crystal clear on the role and responsibilities of the husband and wife, and that’s why we avoid texts like these. We are afraid of offending our guests. If so, it is worth repeating Paul’s opening statement to all Christians in verse 21, to fear Christ. He is Lord.

Then again, Paul isn’t addressing the bridegroom and the bride on their wedding day. These instructions are to the husband and the wife who are already married. And these instructions were written to a gathering of people who were already believers in Christ. And that’s an encouraging thought. It means the proper setting to learn and to understand this text is right here, on a Sunday like this, in the Chinese Church. It means that husbands and wives will continue to struggle with issues of submission and loving leadership, in every marriage in every church (that’s why we have similar instructions in Colossians 3 and 1 Peter 3) but also that they can keep coming back to God’s word for guidance, comfort and strength. But most of all, it is encouraging because it reminds all of us that Jesus loves us - he is the source of our humility and the true example of submission; he is the true bridegroom and head over the church. Jesus loves us fully and enables us to respond in loving obedience to him and even to one another. As husbands and wives. As brothers and sisters. As sons and daughters of God.

Tying the knot

Last weekend at the Chinese Church, we gathered to celebrate the wedding of S and Z. Marriage is one of the biggest deals there is in the bible. It is rooted in God’s blessing in creation. It points forward  to the fulfilment of God’s promises in the new creation. Yet it finds its fullest expression in the relationship between Jesus and his church.

Many people of many cultures and different faiths get married every day. What is distinctive about a Christian marriage? What does the bible say?

1. The blessing of God
The creation of the first man and woman is simultaneously the account of the first marriage. God saw that it was not good for the man to be alone (Genesis 2:18). Thus God created the woman and brought her to Adam to be his helper and his wife.

Genesis also teaches us that sex is God’s gift to be enjoyed in marriage between a man and a woman. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Within marriage the husband and wife give themselves to one another fully and without shame (Genesis 2:25).

2. The faithfulness of God
God takes marriage seriously. In Malachi Chapter 2, God stands as a witness to the vows made between a husband and his wife. “Has not the Lord made them one?” (Malachi 2:15) Here we find marriage described as a “covenant” - a contract made between a man and a woman. God himself holds them to their promises.

In the same passage, we learn that a godly marriage is meant to produce godly children. Fruitfulness is closely linked to faithfulness. Children learn obedience to God in an environment of faithfulness to God in marriage and in the home.

3. The love of God
The most glorious picture of marriage we find in the bible is described in terms of Jesus’ relationship with the church. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church (Ephesians 5:25) “and gave himself up for her”. Interestingly, it is the husband - not the wife - who is given the command to love. Love in the bible is not a touchy-feelly emotion. Love is an act of supreme self-sacrifice for the good of another.

Wives are called to submission (Ephesians 5:24). As the church submits to Christ and as Christ submits to the will of his Father, even unto death on the cross; so wives are to submit to their husbands. This inner beauty is described in the bible as unfading and of great worth in God’s sight (1 Peter 3:4-5).

Is it OK to date a non-Christian?

Question: How would you reply to someone if a Christian tells you that they think it’s alright to date a non-Christian and their reason being - there are plenty of good guys who aren't Christians and you could bring them to God?

I think I would want to answer lovingly from the bible.

I can understand the situation your friend is in. And I am just going to begin by assuming the very best of her – that she loves Jesus; that she is in a community of believers walking in faithfulness to Jesus; and that she is in a growing relationship with God as her heavenly Father, through prayer and regular reflection upon his Word.

I would also want to affirm the challenging situation she is facing. It is hard to get guys interested in church. It gets harder and harder as they start work and progress through their careers.

And then finally I would want to look at Ephesians 5 and hear what the bible has to say. Firstly, from verses 22 onwards, directed towards wives:

1. Submission

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
Ephesians 5:22-24

Submission is hard. Yet not once, but twice, Paul says to wives: submit to your husbands. That’s hard. And here Paul is assuming the husband is a believer. That’s why he says: look at the church. As you see Christians submit to Christ, in the same way, learn to submit to your husbands.

I would ask your friend: Can you see yourself submitting to this man as your husband? “In everything” say Paul at the end of verse 24 – this is serious. Would you trust him with your life? With the lives of your children? With your faith in God?

This is not to say that Christian guys are perfect models of trustworthiness. Then again, all Christians – guys and girls – grow in their submission to Jesus as they walk with Jesus. Which is why Paul first addresses the church as a whole before speaking to the wives in particular, saying:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Ephesians 5:21

Meaning: submission is not a personality trait. It is a response of worship to Jesus.

2. Love

Then, I would move on to the instructions Paul gives to the husbands, in verses 25 onwards.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
Ephesians 5:25-27

Let’s imagine that this non-Christian prospective boyfriend is in the same room, and that we are all reading these words together. I would ask him this question: Do you believe this?

Now, don’t mishear me. I am not asking: Will you do this? I am not asking him: will you love this girl, treat her well, care for her, respect her. (To which any guy would respond: Of course!)

No, my question is: Do you believe these words – The reasons why you should love her. Paul is saying to husbands – love your wives the way Jesus loved the church - sacrificially. Furthermore, the way you are to love her is by making her holy – through the cleansing of water through the word. It’s talking about the bible. It is saying to husbands: Men, you must remind your wives about Jesus by speaking and living out the bible every day of your marriage.

On top of all this: Verse 27 says one day, Jesus will return. So, your job then, Men, is to present your wives holy and blameless before the Lord of the universe.

Do you believe this?

I think, if the non-Christian boy were honest, he would say No. And I would commend him for his honesty.

And to be fair to him: if your future husband does not know the Word – how can you expect him to love you through the cleansing of the word of God. If he does not believe in the death, burial, resurrection and second coming of Jesus Christ – what motivation does he have to do any of this? It is unfair to him as a non-believer and it is unrealistic of you as a Christian to have these expectations from the bible meant for both a believing wife and husband.

3. Faithfulness

Finally, in responding to the notion that these non-Christian guys could be brought to Christ...

It is commendable that your friend is thinking about their salvation in Jesus. But it should not be at the expense of her own obedience to Jesus.

The bible is clear. Single Christians are free to marry anyone as long as they are (1) single, (2) of the opposite sex; and (3) belong to the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:39 – the same expression is used in 7:22 to clearly refer to a Christian).

It is worth meditating on 1 Corinthians 7:25-38. Paul speaks directly to singles and the main thrust there is faithfulness in your present situation. He recognises the eagerness and pressure to be in a relationship and to get married. But don’t wait for that change in circumstance. Learn faithfulness now. Serve God now. For you, this means in your singleness.

Starting a relationship with a non-Christian and using evangelism as an excuse is – at best – unwise. You send the wrong signal that the relationship with one another is more important than with Jesus. Rather than helping him, you are standing in the way of him coming to know God.

If you haven’t yet begun a relationship, please don’t start one. If you are already seeing him you will need to break it off. I know I have no right to say this to you and this really needs to come from your pastor, or a Christian friend you know and trust. It isn’t easy, it is definitely hard (again please read 1 Corinthians 7), but one thing the bible is, on this matter, is clear.

You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20

Piper's points on marriage

John Piper recounts preaching on John 16:33 at a wedding 25 years ago. Here, Jesus is speaking his last words to his disciples before facing his death on the cross. The verse reads:

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! (KJV has Be of good cheer) I have overcome the world."

Piper outlines 3 points for the couple entering a lifelong commitment of marriage.

1. Marriage is going to be hard
   
2. Be happy
3. God is in it; he has overcome it - he will bring you through it

As I reflect on my own marriage, and think of the many friends and acquaintances walking down the aisle this month, my prayer is that we will look to Jesus always; in trust and humility at times of difficulty, with thanksgiving at moments of joyful laughter.

You can view a Youtube clip of Piper's message in its wider context of a message entitled, "God promises Christians pain and trouble" here: